Always You

Dear Blog,

What I was thinking? I've been awake reading stories from Wattpad.

I promise myself to restrain from watching movies and novels that are love story or whatever kind of romance it is. It reminds me of how miserable and such a mess I am right now.

I looked in the mirror. I'm kinda shocked of how I look. My gosh! I looked so old! Given the fact that I am only 18, I have grown too much pimples on my face. (I know I know,  its normal but....whatever)  My skin so oily and my hair that looks messy and tangled. I was so busy thinking that I forgot that I am so ugly already. That is how I look everyday and even at school. But I don't have time to care.

Too many nights. Too much thinking. Too much crying.

I don't know. I just can't sleep.

Anyway, I am here right now, alone in the room. Getting a little emotional as always.

I am wide awake...again and again. I checked the date today and remembered that it was exactly two months since I last saw him. Yep, two months.

As I was saying earlier, I promise myself not to, you know read love stories and all that kind of stuff. But I can't help myself. I'm such a hopeless romantic and found myself scanning through my phone for Wattpad's amazing stories. Almost of it are all about love. That's what its all about. Right?

I can't take my eyes off my phone.  I am imagining myself  now as a character of the story and I always do that. I think everyone does that. Those scenes are killing me and reminds me of my memories with him same as what I am reading. Can't help but burst into tears. I thought I was already okay but I was so wrong. Flashbacks came in and I'm so helpless.

I'm thinking of who should I talk to but I can't think of anyone rather than him. It was always him. He knows me so well and he's the only person that I could talk about almost everything. I am starting to miss him. *sniff*

I still can hear him in my mind saying those three words in front of me, holding my face with his soft hands looking straight into his eyes.. He never miss any single day telling me that.

I still remember how it feels to be touched by him. To be loved by him.

I still remember everything. I never forget anything that made us both happy together.

I know that its better that we... both love each other seperately but I need him just one more time. 

One more time. I just need those warm hugs from him. I wanna be there forever in his arms. *sniff*

I sound so desperate but I don't really care at all.

I'm so scared. I'm scared that one day he will meet another girl and just fall in love with her.

I'm scared that she will make him smile more than me. I'm so scared that she doesn't need to do anything but in the end, she'll have him.

I'm so scared. Disappointed. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Everything that is happening is like tearing me into pieces. 

I can see sun's ray from my window. I didn't noticed that its already 6:30AM in the morning. Still I am in my active mode. Wow. I beat my last record which is 5AM last year.

I feel so pathetic. Felt so sorry myself. I couldn't do anything. The best thing to do right now is to sleep.

Sleep and let it go.

Just sleep Cheng, you will be fine soon enough.

Love,

- A